the why

amidst my CPA studying days and feelings of inadequacy... it's articles like these that serve as a reminder, stir up inspiration, and stimulate gratitude. This article doesn't say anything special... but somehow it reminds me that there is a greater purpose for my education and experiences in life. I don't want to get all political on you... but basically the article touches on the fact that Haiti is in dire need of education and entrepreneurship. The exact two things that I have been slaving over for the past five years of my life. In exactly two weeks I will walk the stage to accept my diploma:

Bachelor of Business Administration in Accounting and a Master of Science in Accounting (emphasis in Entrepreneurial Leadership).

There are countless times when I sit in the library, coffee shop, or at my desk and look to the heavens with fists raised and cry, "WHY?!?"

this is why. Not because education or a degree is the next step in life. Not because it's something that you have to do in order to climb the social ladder. Not because it's the pathway to a "successful life and comfortable lifestyle."

today I've been reminded of the why: to be equipped.

I have to be honest and admit that I don't know exact uses of this "equipment." I have ideas. I have dreams. However, that's not the point. The point is that I am being equipped. Equipped with skills and useful tools in order that I may be poured out and used.

That's the reason why. Thanks Haiti. I'm reminded, inspired, and grateful.

In the Splendor of His Holiness

(will) so this is my first blog ever. i am currently with aubrey and we're both seeking the Lord together, but separately, and i thought this would be a good time for me to blog. it's not really a normal 'mode of worship' for me, but that's almost what spurred me on to do it. 

my comfort in worship is to sing

my norm is to shout Your name

but when will i step out into the rain

to feel broken and naked, yet unashamed

i only seek the Lord in one place: through singing and playing my guitar. but what does that mean for every other aspect of my life? if i don't spend time to know Him and worship Him outside of the ways that i already do, i am limiting who He is to me, what He can do for me. it's all contingent on what i feel and what i want and what i need and when i have time. it seems so selfish. so is this really worship? am i true to myself or to the Lord when i sing 'all to you i surrender' or 'from the inside out my soul cries out?' 

there is no place that i can hide

no room for dark, no shade inside

why do i shield my eyes from the light

when it's You, Lord

i often talk about how worship should be my life, and not just a designated time to seek after the Lord in song or in reading the bible. but i admit that i don't do that. I don't understand the Splendor of Your Holiness. the concept is vivid in my head. i understand what my life is supposed to look like, but i can't and don't actively do that. so where does my discipline meet the Lord's power and grace in my life? i am insufficient in meeting my own expectations and the Lord knows that. so how much is expected of me? i know that i can only meet the standards that i uphold to myself through God's grace, but how much of it is a reflection of truly understanding His glory? 

i don't want this to become a i'm-good-christian-if-i-act-a-certain-way type of thing in my life. i also don't want to be hard on myself for not seeking the Lord in every aspect of my life. and i think that it comes down to desiring the pursuit of righteousness rather than obtaining righteousness. and that should be read loosely. i know that righteousness comes with certain connotations that i don't want to touch on, but the reality of it is that we are made righteous in Christ; i should desire to be Holy as You are Holy.

this is where i struggle. this is where my mind goes - finding the lines between legalism and discipline, laziness and understanding my imperfections, freedom from sin and righteousness found in You. Lord, fine-tune me to understand true worship. let my desire not be to obtain actions, thoughts, or a certain posture, but that i would desire You. i don't deserve what i have been given. i don't understand your Grace. i don't understand how you can be so beautiful and glorious and powerful and perfect, and still care about me. and because of all of this, i am drawn to worship. i am drawn to throw up my hands and say 'You are Lord' and to smile and to cry and to laugh and to shout and to strum and to dance and to get out of breath and to yearn and to suffer and to be broken and to grow - You are worthy of this and more.

my intention with this post was not to shed light on me; yes, i do want you to know where i struggle and where i am at with worship. but i really want to share what worship means to me - and even what i still don't get or do or understand. i hope that in some way it helps you meet with the Lord. after all, shouldn't that also be an intention of our worship?

if you do one thing today...

please read this and PRAY.

joy costs pain

I should be studying for a midterm I have tomorrow, but I couldn't pass up sharing this with you...
If you have time... please read this whole post here, or start following this blog (link "the Journey" at the right of this page.) it will change you... I promise.

I NEED this perspective in my life, this constant reminder of things happening in the nations, around the globe, down the street... outside of my own little world.

from Katie:
        "I would like to tell you that as I become more and more surrounded with sorrow and squalor, it gets easier or less painful. But it doesn’t. The brokenness of this world does not become any less sad. Each and every time, it is overwhelmingly devastating that people have to live, and die, like this. While it does not get easier, I have found that I am able to face each one with a little more hope. I always hope that my friends will live here on earth with me, but I tell them all with a new sense of urgency about Jesus because mostly, I want them to live with HIM, whether here or in heaven. I see the sadness, but I also see the redemption.
         If we are really following Jesus, we will go to the hard places. Being a Christ follower means being acquainted with sorrow. Because we must know sorrow to be able to fully appreciate Joy. Joy costs pain, but the pain is worth it.
        So we go. This is where our family is today and where I hope to stay – loving, because He first loved us. Going into the pit, entering into the sorrow because He entered for us first and because by His grace, redemption is on the other side - again, and again, and again."