(will) so i know this is cheesy to have a blog post right before thanksgiving entitled "Thanksgiving." lame. be creative, will. but it's really crazy that it takes a holiday for me to look at my life and reflect on the things that i'm thankful for - to really look at my life a little more than a year ago and to see how different it is now. so, i'm about to unload just a little bit of the things that come to mind. i'm mostly hesitant to share everything, just because it's the internet and its open and its vulnerable and it's my life - but there is reality in thinking who really reads this anyway. so here it is :)

i'm thankful. so i have a wife that i didn't have last year. she is amazing and she ridiculously complements my weaknesses. i have no doubt in my mind that we are meant for each other, and my only regret so far is not leading her better towards the Lord. she loves to love me. she knows whats best for me when i can't see past my selfishness or my pride or my laziness. she depicts Jesus to me every day, and i look up to her. i'm thankful. i can't believe last year i had taken a semester off from school. i moved back home to save up money and was working two jobs. life seems to have changed so much since then. not only did it allow for me to find a major that i enjoy, go to a school that i like, and succeed because i am interested in what i am learning, it also allowed for me to be more involved with my job. i have found myself in a room with a handful of godly men, including the two owners, discussing the future of our business and structuring it in a way not only for success as a business, but also in a way to be a huge venue to lead others towards Christ. i was broken and redeemed. i'm thankful. last week my grandmother had to have surgery because she had two arteries that were 100% and 80% clogged. she had the double bypass, which ended up being a triple once they actually got in, last thursday, and not a week later, she is being released from the hospital tomorrow morning (wednesday). ? i don't know either. i'm thankful. i have a brother who has bravely joined with other men to defend our country. i would like to think that somehow i could muster up the courage to leave my wife for an entire year to go to a really really sandy, hot place and have my life threatened. but because he's there, i don't have to be. i'm thankful. i have a family who is close, but could be closer. amidst my lack of communication, they still love and support me and aub. regardless of how i may appear to be or act, they think highly of me and assume the best. i'm thankful. i have no idea how i wound up face first into the Grace of God. i don't know what my life would be like without Jesus. i don't understand that amidst my continued sin, Your Love still grips me tight. You set me free. every day i find myself humbled by Your creation and Your desperate pursuit of me. so intimately close and real. You build a fire in me that makes me want to burst into dance in a classroom full of students falling asleep. You have surrounded me with Your people who open my eyes to see who You are. You love me, You love me, You love me. why? how? i can't wait... i'm thankful.


In the Splendor of His Holiness

(will) so this is my first blog ever. i am currently with aubrey and we're both seeking the Lord together, but separately, and i thought this would be a good time for me to blog. it's not really a normal 'mode of worship' for me, but that's almost what spurred me on to do it. 

my comfort in worship is to sing
my norm is to shout Your name
but when will i step out into the rain
to feel broken and naked, yet unashamed

i only seek the Lord in one place: through singing and playing my guitar. but what does that mean for every other aspect of my life? if i don't spend time to know Him and worship Him outside of the ways that i already do, i am limiting who He is to me, what He can do for me. it's all contingent on what i feel and what i want and what i need and when i have time. it seems so selfish. so is this really worship? am i true to myself or to the Lord when i sing 'all to you i surrender' or 'from the inside out my soul cries out?' 

there is no place that i can hide
no room for dark, no shade inside
why do i shield my eyes from the light
when it's You, Lord

i often talk about how worship should be my life, and not just a designated time to seek after the Lord in song or in reading the bible. but i admit that i don't do that. I don't understand the Splendor of Your Holiness. the concept is vivid in my head. i understand what my life is supposed to look like, but i can't and don't actively do that. so where does my discipline meet the Lord's power and grace in my life? i am insufficient in meeting my own expectations and the Lord knows that. so how much is expected of me? i know that i can only meet the standards that i uphold to myself through God's grace, but how much of it is a reflection of truly understanding His glory? 

i don't want this to become a i'm-good-christian-if-i-act-a-certain-way type of thing in my life. i also don't want to be hard on myself for not seeking the Lord in every aspect of my life. and i think that it comes down to desiring the pursuit of righteousness rather than obtaining righteousness. and that should be read loosely. i know that righteousness comes with certain connotations that i don't want to touch on, but the reality of it is that we are made righteous in Christ; i should desire to be Holy as You are Holy.

this is where i struggle. this is where my mind goes - finding the lines between legalism and discipline, laziness and understanding my imperfections, freedom from sin and righteousness found in You. Lord, fine-tune me to understand true worship. let my desire not be to obtain actions, thoughts, or a certain posture, but that i would desire You. i don't deserve what i have been given. i don't understand your Grace. i don't understand how you can be so beautiful and glorious and powerful and perfect, and still care about me. and because of all of this, i am drawn to worship. i am drawn to throw up my hands and say 'You are Lord' and to smile and to cry and to laugh and to shout and to strum and to dance and to get out of breath and to yearn and to suffer and to be broken and to grow - You are worthy of this and more.

my intention with this post was not to shed light on me; yes, i do want you to know where i struggle and where i am at with worship. but i really want to share what worship means to me - and even what i still don't get or do or understand. i hope that in some way it helps you meet with the Lord. after all, shouldn't that also be an intention of our worship?