In the Splendor of His Holiness

(will) so this is my first blog ever. i am currently with aubrey and we're both seeking the Lord together, but separately, and i thought this would be a good time for me to blog. it's not really a normal 'mode of worship' for me, but that's almost what spurred me on to do it. 

my comfort in worship is to sing

my norm is to shout Your name

but when will i step out into the rain

to feel broken and naked, yet unashamed

i only seek the Lord in one place: through singing and playing my guitar. but what does that mean for every other aspect of my life? if i don't spend time to know Him and worship Him outside of the ways that i already do, i am limiting who He is to me, what He can do for me. it's all contingent on what i feel and what i want and what i need and when i have time. it seems so selfish. so is this really worship? am i true to myself or to the Lord when i sing 'all to you i surrender' or 'from the inside out my soul cries out?' 

there is no place that i can hide

no room for dark, no shade inside

why do i shield my eyes from the light

when it's You, Lord

i often talk about how worship should be my life, and not just a designated time to seek after the Lord in song or in reading the bible. but i admit that i don't do that. I don't understand the Splendor of Your Holiness. the concept is vivid in my head. i understand what my life is supposed to look like, but i can't and don't actively do that. so where does my discipline meet the Lord's power and grace in my life? i am insufficient in meeting my own expectations and the Lord knows that. so how much is expected of me? i know that i can only meet the standards that i uphold to myself through God's grace, but how much of it is a reflection of truly understanding His glory? 

i don't want this to become a i'm-good-christian-if-i-act-a-certain-way type of thing in my life. i also don't want to be hard on myself for not seeking the Lord in every aspect of my life. and i think that it comes down to desiring the pursuit of righteousness rather than obtaining righteousness. and that should be read loosely. i know that righteousness comes with certain connotations that i don't want to touch on, but the reality of it is that we are made righteous in Christ; i should desire to be Holy as You are Holy.

this is where i struggle. this is where my mind goes - finding the lines between legalism and discipline, laziness and understanding my imperfections, freedom from sin and righteousness found in You. Lord, fine-tune me to understand true worship. let my desire not be to obtain actions, thoughts, or a certain posture, but that i would desire You. i don't deserve what i have been given. i don't understand your Grace. i don't understand how you can be so beautiful and glorious and powerful and perfect, and still care about me. and because of all of this, i am drawn to worship. i am drawn to throw up my hands and say 'You are Lord' and to smile and to cry and to laugh and to shout and to strum and to dance and to get out of breath and to yearn and to suffer and to be broken and to grow - You are worthy of this and more.

my intention with this post was not to shed light on me; yes, i do want you to know where i struggle and where i am at with worship. but i really want to share what worship means to me - and even what i still don't get or do or understand. i hope that in some way it helps you meet with the Lord. after all, shouldn't that also be an intention of our worship?